Why Is It So Hard To Choose The Good?

We know what is good for us, but the bad is so seductive.

I was bored, flicking through emails, and this list from Ryan Holiday’s newsletter caught my attention:

2. I’m not sure I’ve ever opened a social media app and then after logging off thought, “Wow, I’m so glad I did that.”

3. Conversely, I have never taken a walk without thinking, after, “I am so glad I did that.”

4. George Raveling told me that when he wakes up in the morning, he says to himself, “George, you’ve got two choices today. You can be happy or very happy. Which will it be?”

4b. Voltaire put it another way I love: The most important decision you make is to be in a good mood.

— Ryan Holiday

Hit home. So I shared it with some friends.

And it seems like the feelings were mutual.

You know what’s bad for you.

People kinda hate being on social media. But they can’t stay off it. It’s an addition. Come on, can you admit it to yourself?

You get sucked in, “just a quick check”—next thing, 30 minutes to 2 hours have flown by, and you’re left frustrated and zapped of energy.

Why do we keep doing something that doesn’t feel good?

I guess it’s cause our psychology is being hacked. It’s tapping into some deep psychological needs that we can’t easily ignore. So it becomes this eternal struggle to do what we say we want to do (e.g. spend more time present with family and friends in real life).

I went to see Jerry Seinfeld live last night here in Adelaide. He’s touring his stand-up comedy show. He did a funny opening bit about how annoying those people who obsess over getting a photo of everything are. They interrupt a joyous moment and force everyone to comply with their unreasonable photo demands. They miss the beauty and essence of the moment in real life, and then maybe eight years later, they look at that photo and finally “enjoy” that moment they missed eight years ago. Everyone could see themselves in the joke.

Why don’t we prioritise the present?

You intellectually know what makes you feel bad (hint, social media), but emotionally, staying in control is not easy during the hijacking.  

And we keep searching for distractions.

I caught myself standing at a urinal yesterday, reaching for my iPhone, “Wait, what are you doing? Chill. Can’t you stand still with your thoughts for 30 seconds?”

We don’t realise the consequences of all these distractions. They destroy our focus and wreak havoc on our ability to produce high-quality work.

I heard Cal Newport chatting on a podcast this week, and he said the human brain takes about 20 minutes to get into something. You know this intuitively. Try writing an essay… For the first 15 minutes, you will be stumbling, bumbling, and doing anything to take your mind out of it. The resistance is strong! But once you are flowing, you want to keep going, and the words pour out!

The problem is we keep distracting ourselves:

• Phone vibrating.

• Social media notifications are piling up.

• A quick check of inbox: has the boss responded?

The anxiety keeps building…

So you shuffle through fifty things in five minutes, like a frantic puppy ripping up your backyard. 

We feel like we are covering ground, but really, we are achieving…

Nothing!

We never let ourselves focus for the necessary 15-20minutes Cal Newport talks about to get into a task deeply.

And so, at the end of the day, we are frustrated, depleted and doomed to repeat the next day.

You know what’s good for you.

Why is it so hard to do what is good for us?

I know a few things which always make me feel better:

• Writing

• Walking

• Meditating

• Playing with my kids

But even though I know they bring me joy, they can be hard to do!

You know how it is:

• You’re exhausted from work, so you take a night off your passion project, e.g. writing. This turns into weeks and months.

• You know you should exercise more, but you’ve built up a list of a billion excuses, from being too busy at work to it’s cold in the morning to exploiting an “injury”. 

• You keep saying you want to meditate and even pay for some apps, but you can't remember the last time you meditated two days in a row.

• Whenever you play with your kids or spend quality time with your partner, you're plagued with existential crises that won’t shut up inside your head.

But here’s the thing I realised:

If you do the things you know you should be doing, you will feel much better, and many of the “problems” will evaporate. Here’s Ryan Holiday again:

“I’m not saying going for a walk will solve all your problems, I’m just saying there’s no problem that’s going to be made worse by going for a walk.”

One I’ve been working on this week is sleep. I know it’s a bit cliché, but what a difference it makes. I realised being super tired is as bad as being hungover. It sucks. You’re unproductive as hell. And not fun to be around.

I remember once being puzzled by how Maria Popova answered the question, “What time do you get up?”

She responded with something like, “I don’t have a set time, but I get up 8 hours after whatever time I go to bed.”

So, she was prioritising the 8 hours of sleep. Genius.

How much better could our days be if we got serious about sleep?

Lately, I've found myself getting that much-needed “me time” in the evening once everyone else is in bed. But I get excited and it drags out late into the night. My ego craves it after spending all day giving myself to the kids and work, “Hey, I’ve earned this, I’m not missing out!”. But I’m starting to think it’s not worth it when it comes at the cost of good sleep and another Groundhog Day running on empty. Maybe I’d be better off flipping “me time” to the AM.

Choose to be happy

I love that quote Ryan shared from George Raveling:

“George, you’ve got two choices today.

You can be happy or very happy.

Which will it be?”

It all comes down to attitude. Now, I don’t mean in a pollyannish, toxic positivity way. I think there is some nuance in how you can choose to show up in a happier way. You’ve undoubtedly known someone who lives this way and admire them.

Want an example?

Back to Jerry Seinfeld last night, I was worn down from a hard week and, honestly, a little grumpy and stressed going into the gig. For no particular reason, I was choosing to be unhappy.

My wife snapped me out of it:

“Hey, we’re at Jerry Seinfeld. You know, SEINFELD! Can you at least try to enjoy yourself?”

Damn! What was I doing? This was one of those moments. Jerry created one of the most loved and successful TV shows of all time. He feels like a friend after spending countless hours watching reruns of Seinfeld. He's now 70 years old and may never tour Australia again. And here I was, Mr Grumpy Pants, determined to ruin the night. What the hell!

It was the wake-up call I needed, thanks to my wife.

And here’s what I did:

I chose to be happy.

I chose to enjoy myself.

I chose to laugh with my wife.

And what a great night we had!

Next time you catch yourself in a similar situation, recognise it can go two ways. Your wiser self knows which path you should take.

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Reflection

The Bad

What is the “bad” thing you keep reaching for?

What measures can you put in to limit that.

How can you recognise where it is preventing you from becoming the person you want to become?

The Good

List the “good” things that you know you should do more of.

Take a minute to truly feel the goodness those activities bring you.

How can you start to prioritise them in your days?

The Choice

Can you “choose” to be in a good mood? Or is it unrealistic? How could you experiment with this?

How do Voltaire’s words below land for you?

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