Stuck On A Big Life Decision? Try This Powerful Question

Does the choice diminish or enlarge you?

“Ask yourself of every dilemma, every choice, every relationship, every commitment, or every failure to commit, does this choice diminish me, or enlarge me?”

— James Hollis

Hmmm.

Does it diminish or enlarge me?

Powerful question.

It forces us to consider this decision from a deeper level.

You feel it inside.

You know, the job that eats away at your soul vs the one that fills your cup to the brim.

You know, the relationship that excruciatingly tears strips off your back vs the one that effortlessly supports you to become your better self.

You know, the easy choice you make, which feels good in the moment but comes back to haunt you long term.

A great question can be life-changing.

If you use it.

Here’s 3 takes on the question:

Choose uncomfortable enlargement

Oliver Burkeman had a beautiful reflection on Hollis’s big question in his book Four Thousand Weeks:

“The question circumvents the urge to make decisions in the service of alleviating anxiety and instead helps you make contact with your deeper intentions for your time.

If you’re trying to decide whether to leave a given job or relationship, say, or to redouble your commitment to it, asking what would make you happiest is likely to lure you toward the most comfortable option, or else leave you paralysed by indecision.

But you usually know, intuitively, whether remaining in a relationship or job would present the kind of challenges that will help you grow as a person (enlargement) or the kind that will cause your soul to shrivel with every passing week (diminishment).

Choose uncomfortable enlargement over comfortable diminishment whenever you can.”

—    Oliver Burkeman

You already know what diminishes you

Here’s Austin Kleon’s takeaway:

“How I wish I had this framework in the past!

We are looking at houses right now, and, being the crazy city-loving walkers that we are, we’ve seen lots of large houses which would ultimately diminish our lives, and tiny houses which would enlarge them. (“Location, location, location…”)”

— Austin Kleon

For a meaningful and considered life

And finally, here’s Brad Stulberg’s take:

“Not everything you do has to be supremely enlarging.

I’m a firm believer in embracing the simple joys of life, and the latest psychological science says doing so is important for resilience. You can ask my wife, Caitlin: I’ve got nothing against watching a Netflix comedy come 8PM, when I can hardly spell my name let alone construct a worthwhile thought, let alone a cogent sentence.

And yet, when it comes to the larger life decisions — for example: deciding whether or not to marry; have kids; pursue a new career; devote yourself to running an ultramarathon; begin volunteering or giving of yourself in some other way — I think Hollis hits the nail on the head.

If your goal is to live a meaningful and considered life, I’m not sure there’s a better guide for deciding what to do — at least for the big things — than asking his question.”

— Brad Stulberg

What do you get from the question?

How can you apply it to a current decision you are stuck on?